I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m stalling, wasting time until I can think of something else to occupy myself. I’m worried mum n dad are gonna want me to do something professional afterwards and I won’t be able to. And then they’ll be disappointed. All I wanna do is be happy and have fun. Its just not so much fun not knowing. So if only I have control of my future and I don’t even really control my present. I just float along. I don’t feel like I make any conscious decisions. If you ask me to do something I’ll most likely do it. Cos I don’t have any direction of my own. What am I waiting for?

what i did today

i walked down to the quayside and went to the baltic to see what i could see. really grat exhibits on and i had to miss out 2nd floor cos i was running out of time!! so fairly interactive yoko ono exhibit which included wishing trees. the wishes made me feel like crying and i think if i wasn't in a public place i would have wept for the amount of wanting there was.

i added my wish. well i added 3 wishes on one piece and as i was doing it wished my handwriting was more outstnding!! foolish girl.

i also wrote a piece about my mother for the mum wall and took a piece of the sky jigsaw as requested by yoko.

i also then went to coco mo's to book the staff xmas party but it was closed to we're having it at prima pasta instead. well unless anyone has strong objections! and finally went to john lewis to buy the 'awards' for the staff do and popped into zavvi and almost bought some books. bought some naughty sweet snacks from morrissons on the way home. why is it when i'm trying not to eat so much so i can look fabulous in my dress at the xmas party all i can think about and crave is food!!!! and we all know i have no willpower. especially against food. oh dear! well so long as it doesn't all go on my boobs it should be fine!

the way we are is so weird. i feel like we talk about things and sometimes we really don't. and sometimes we talk in the shortest sentences and there is no more to say about things but it was all included with heavy emotion. we were living in the same room and we didn't know each other at all and i really don't know how you felt about me then. to me you were a bit of a wonder. a bit of a worry. i felt like i was a bit of an irritation and a bit of a disappointment.

i love to hear your lyrics. they make me sad. you all make me sad. i was impressed by your hope. i was depressed by you naivety. there was so much energy. you all made the air fizzle. i wonder who you are impressing these days?

i've been reading a lot of blogs. i love the way people write. i love delicious descriptions. potter you have a magical eye linked to your twinkling fingertips.

but i am sad that i don't appear in any of them. not that you appear in mine. it just makes me wonder if i have any effect on anyone. its probably quite hard to seeing as i've spent so much time in this goddamned room on this machine of rythmic silence.

arg.

also i cut my fringe and am now devising ways to hide it. ridiculous.

im ready for a real whinge...

but that will have to go in my real diary. see how i'm learning my lesson here? how proud i am.

so there i was...

i got on the bus, sat down and picked a paper up off the floor to read. i put in on the seat next to me because i didnt have a spare hand to hold it. my head was bowed reading the paper on the seat beside me. suddenly it moved. i looked up and a man had taken it, i assumed he wanted to sit down so i smiled slightly, with an underlying irritation. he didn't sit down. he was just stealing the newspaper i was reading. he took it and sat down elsewhere.

gobsmacked.

and the coming year

well i guess work will be very quiet but maybe this will help me concentrate on school more. maybe i'll even have spare time??

resolutions then....

work hard at college, less wasting time more concentrating

no more one night stands, if i'm stupid enough to take a boy home my punishment is that i have to be nice to them and agree to at least one date in the future.

be bolder at school, participate more

be nicer. at least 50% kinder than i am now. that shouldn't be too hard.